Slayers Untitled Story
by WyldCherry
Summary: An authoress loses control of her 1st 'Slayer fic' and is set on a new misadventure. Please Review!
1. The Default Chapter

Once upon a time there was an authoress/biochemist who wanted to write a fanfic (her first). about the "Slayers", her favorite anime...then things got out of control! Yeah, it's probably been done before, but I added a few twists into it! 

========================

I don't own any rights to "The Slayers" or any of the characters, etc. I love the show. So don't sue me. The authoress character is mine…well me…since I own myself…that was corny.   Please excuse any grammar/spelling  mistakes that may occur—I tried my best.   I'm a science major (although it shouldn't be an excuse for poor grammar skills! I blame it on the school system!)!   So, enjoy the madness that I concocted. 

----------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, in the land of Fair Bragoon  Celfrid and Guuby-eyed Sababingo… 

"That's Fare Dragoon Sigfreed and Booby-eyed Shabydingo!" Gourry proudly says.  

Then a red haired sorceress screams out "Fireball" and fries the poor blond swordsman.  "For crying out loud, its Flare Dragon Cepheid and Ruby-eyed Shabranigdu! Get it right!"  as Lina yells at the authoress.  

"Well," says the pissed off authoress, "you don't have to yell, Lina! Plus, you shouldn't disrespect me, I'm the authoress. I have the power to write whatever I want!" 

"Oh, Lina's just pissed that she's not the leading character in this story." said the burned and crispy blond.   

"No, I'm not!" hollered Lina. "I'm not hollering!" bellowed the loud mouth dragon spooker.  "Hey," cried the 'enemy of all who lives, "could you stop that!"  

The authoress smiled evilly and simply answered, "No!"  

Then Gourry whispered to Lina, "At least she didn't call you a 'washboard of terror'." 

"Mega Brand!" as the boobless one singes her lover to a crisp.  

Both Gourry and Lina yell in unison with blushes apparently on their faces, "We are not in a relationship!"  

"Also," Gourry angrily replies, "Lina is not boobless..." 

 With reddening still upon her cheeks, Lina stares at the swordsman with her mouth wide open.  She—as well as the authoress and the audience—are shocked with the jellyfish's unexpected statement.   

Then the red haired girl's eyes soften, and she slowly approaches her guardian with awe.  '_The jellyfish actually stood up for me against that bitch of an authoress.  Why? Does he really care? I mean, he always makes fun of my chest size.  Does he finally see me as the bodacious babe of his dreams?  Finally!  He's succumbing to my charms!' _

"Huh?" Gourry says confusingly "Lina, what's going on!"

Lina uncharacteristically approaches her prey with animalistic desires in her eyes.  "Come here you big jellyfish you and give me some sugar!"

"I don't have any sugar on me, but will 'Sweet and Low'® do!" the ex-swordsman of Light asks questioningly.

"I'll 'Sweet and Low'®  you!  Maybe later…shut up and kiss me!" as Lady Inverse grabs Gourry close into a passionate (and very x-rated) kiss.

"Hey," the authoress yelled, "could you please keep the sexual innuendo to a minimum!  I'm trying to keep this at a pg-13 level.  Umm, you guys.  Hello! Could you guys stop now?  I'm the authoress, I command you to stop…please!"

"I don't think they're listening." said Amelia

"At least they are using protection." Zelgadis says sardonically.  "You're the authoress why won't you put a stop to this."

"Hey, I tried." The authoress said. _'Where did I lose control of this story?'_

"Amelia," the chimera man yelled while covering the Sairuun princess's eyes. "you are too young to be watching this sort of stuff."

The raven haired girl angrily takes the blue guy's hands away from her eyes.  "Look here, Mr. Zelgadis, I'm nearly seventeen years old (toward the end of Try) and I know more about sex than you do, right Xellos!"

Everyone—including Lina and Gourry, who suddenly stop in their romantic play—stares at the young princess.  Amelia and the general priest look lovingly (well not lovingly… more like raw carnage yearning…the stuff that Lina and Gourry felt earlier) into each other's eyes.  Then Xellos pulls the black haired girl closer and closer…

"How dare you touch 'my' Amelia!"  The wired hair man looks very angry. "I'll kill you!!!" 

As Zel charges at Zellas's priest with his 'astral vined' sword in his hands while chanting a 'Rah Tilt' spell, Xellos and Amelia quickly teleport into the authoress's den.  

"Boy was that close!" Amelia says.  

"Yeah," the monster holy guy said, "I didn't know 'Rocky' had it so bad for you, Ame-chan. By they way Lady Authoress, 'monster holy guy'…isn't that a bit pushing it."

"Look, I'm trying to follow that rule where you don't constantly reuse the character's name." 

"Right! Well I hope we didn't upset Mr. Zelgadis too much!"  

"Hey, at least we stopped the Lina and Gourry make out session.  Although, it was a bit cruel to not let him in the act."  

"Oh, let Chimera boy suffer a bit!  He makes a good meal when he is like this."  

"Mr. Xellos," Ame-chan yells, "That's not nice. Although what we did to Mr. Zelgadis was unjust, there was a greater injustice with the appalling display Ms. Lina and Mr. Gourry were doing."

"Well, you two looked very convincing!"  declared the writer of this story.  

"Hey!" the two 'Slayers' shouted out together.

"I know, I know.  You, princess have the hots for Zelly boy and Mr. 'That is a Secret' likes to share his secrets with a certain golden dragon.  Whatever!"

The two people who stood in front of the authoress were too shocked to say a word. (Finally!) _"With those two finally quiet, perhaps I can get to the main story."_

"Umm, Miss. Authoress…" said Amelia.

"Oh, I spoke too soon! _Sigh!"_  the irritated writer said out loud.  "Yes, Amelia, what do you want?"

"Err, what is this story going to be about?"  asked the princess.

"Yeah, what is this story going to be about?" said Xellos.

"Ha, ha, well I…err…haven't thought it through just yet?" as the authoress thoughtfully answering them back.  

Xellos and Amelia both face fault.

_Meanwhile…_

Lina and Gourry are both trying to cheer up Zelgadis who is on the ground weeping uncharacteristically like baby .

"I…I…I though she loved me!" Zelgadis cries out loud. "Waaaaaah!"

"Hey, Zel don't worry.  I bet it's one of those impulse things that every girl goes through. It won't last. You know where the good girl falls for the bad boy."

"Lina, isn't Zelgadis sort of a 'bad boy' type character."  _Womp!_  "Hey Lina, why did you do that for?"

"We are trying to cheer up Zel, Jellyfish brains!  You don't have to tell him that he's too much of a wuss to be coined a 'bad boy.'  Also, that Xellos is more mysterious than him and…"

"Gourry's right!" as the chimera interrupts Lina.  He wipes away his tears and stands up.  "I have to be more mysterious, more 'bad ass.'"  Then the not so blue…err…blue man strikes an 'Amelia pose'®  while standing on top of a high sturdy tree branch.  "By doing so, I will win back my Amelia's affections. Yes, she will be mine once more! Bwahahahaha!"

As Zel says all this, lightning and thunder appear in the background.

Gourry and Lina both sweat drop.  

"I think he's losing it!" said Gourry.

"You think!" snickered Lina.  "No, he's been hanging around Amelia too much…and he's losing it!"  Lina said while watching the chimera's mad laughter.

--------------

Next time (maybe)…

Will Zelgadis win back Amelia's affections?

Will Lina and Gourry get a room?

Who is that blond female with a tail beating on Xellos?

Prince Phil, the sexiest man on earth?

Will the authoress finally figure out a plot to this silly story?

How is this all connected to saving the world?

Stay tuned….

-----------------

This is my very first fanfic.  Yeah!  So whatcha think?  What can I say? Insomnia with a mixture of procrastination (from my chem. homework) gets my creative juices flowing.  Teehee!  I'll probably write more in the near future…probably tomorrow.  Review away!


	2. Oreos are Yummy!

The same old legal stuff: I don't own "Slayers" or its characters.  That also includes Sailor Moon.  I also don't own "Stake and Shake®",  "Sweet n Low"®, Yahoo® or any product thingy I attach with an "®"

Enjoy the story!!

------------

Amelia Wil Tesla Sairuun and Xellos Metallum were sitting on a couch, sipping tea.  In front of them was a plate full of Oreo® cookies (mmm…double stuff) set upon a glass coffee table.  Unfortunately, their attention was not focused on the cookies, but toward a certain authoress whose focus was on the computer.  

"Miss. Authoress, did you figure out a story line yet?" As the princess reaches for an Oreo®.

However, there was no answer from the girl in front of the computer.  She was busily typing away as if her life depended on it.  It had been like this for the past two hours. She had said not a word to her two anime guests after she had served them the tea and cookies.  They had heard nothing but rigorous keystrokes and sudden movements of the mouse. 

"Fillia!" Xellos yells out loud.  He was having a dream about a certain golden dragon beating him up with her mace.  For some strange reason—only monsters and masochists would know (since those terms define him so well)—was enjoying his beatings. "Yeah! Hit me baby one more time!"

"Mr. Xellos!  Mr. Xellos wake up!!" as Amelia shakes the priest to wake him up.

"Huh, oh!  How long was I asleep?" said the half awake, horny priest.

"Only a half an hour." Said the princess.  "Fillia!  Miss Authoress was right! Plus, I love Britney Spear's Music.  She's like, totally cool.  It' is so sad she broke up with Justin.  Speaking of Justin, isn't he dreamy!  _Sigh! _ Oh, I wish I can get NSYNC tickets.  They are so cool…" 

The irate monster interrupts, "Never you mind what you heard.  So, she's still at it?" 

"Yeah!"  

"Wow, she looks so serious!" said Xellos. "This should be an interesting story!"

"Well, I hope so." 

Suddenly, the look of frustration crept upon the writer's face.  Then she screamed, "No, no, no…Sailor Moon®…Sailor Moon®….argggg!"   

Her two guests look puzzled after her remark.  The monster was not really happy to hear what she was saying.

"Oh dear, I hope she doesn't make this a cross over with that meatball head!" 

"Mr. Xellos, what's wrong with Miss. Serena?  She is my hero.  Sailor Moon® stands for truth, justice, and love; which are the three important things I base my life on!" 

As she said all this, she strikes her famous pose on top of the coffee table. Luckily, the cookies come to no harm.

Xellos, looking very queasy, "That is what I'm afraid off."

"Bacon…you morons…its bacon!" 

Xellos and Amelia, "Bacon!"

They both head towards the authoress and her computer with curiosity, and they take a look at the monitor.  As soon as they look at the screen, they faint immediately.  Apparently the authoress had been playing 'Yahoo Graffiti®' (an addicting fast action pictionary game) for the past two hours.

Meanwhile… 

"Hmmm. Lina, I wonder where Amelia and Xellos went, but most of all our authoress?" Asked Gourry Gabriev.

There was no answer from the sorceress.  _Amelia and Xellos are probably in a hotel room somewhere.  'Speaking of rooms, maybe Gourry and I should get a room together.  We were so rudely interrupted.  Also, I'm glad that stupid authoress is not here, but then again…she could be watching us right now.  I have to be more careful. By the way, where's Zel?'_

"Hey Lina, where's Zelgadis?" 

"I was just about to ask that…he was following us a couple of seconds ago." 

After the Amelia and Xellos incident, Lina, Gourry, and Zelgadis were traveling to the nearest town—or should one say--the nearest restaurant.  On their way to the town, Zelgadis was unusually quiet.   Zelgadis is usually a quiet man/chimera, but this sort of quietness was rather ere.  He had a look of madness with a hint of revenge in his eyes as opposed to his usual placid deadpan visage.  Of coarse he had a reason that he should look the way he does.  The guy had just lost the love of his life (although the audience knows that the Amelia/Xellos thing was all an act) to Xellos.  Not only did he lose his girl…no…now woman…to his most hated enemy, that hated enemy deflowered her.  On top of that, he was a monster, the general/priest of a dark lord, and a handsome monster at that—according to what most fan girls say. _Damn you, Rezo!_   What was bothering him the most was the deflowering part.  He always thought of Amelia as someone to have relations with as soon as he became human.  To him, the princess was everything that was pure and good.  She had reached into his soul and brought out the best of his being.  She gave him a reason for existence and the new reason why his cure was important.  But most of all was what, he truly believed that…that…**that he was the one and only one to deflower her!**

'Why would the writers of the Slayers series pair me up with her?  For crying out loud, we're a cannon couple…I think?  We cast 'Rah Tilts' together.  We are a team.  And that…monster…that monster stole her away from me! I don't understand!' 

_**Flashback** ._

_ "Look here, Mr. Zelgadis, I'm nearly seventeen years old (toward the end of Try) and I know more about sex than you do, right Xellos!"_

_**End Flashback**_

_ "Why? Why, Amelia?  I thought you loved me!'_

Zelgadis glanced down on the bracelet that the dark haired princess had given him. '_No, my Amelia would never do this to me.  She would never hurt me like this unless…unless if she were written like that.  Yes, I forgot that this is a fanfic.' _Zelgadis tightly grabs hold of the bracelet.  '_I shall get my revenge on you, Authoress, and you too Xellos!'  _Zelgadis is now smirking while gazing upon the trinket at the same time stroking it.  '_Ahh yes!  Yes,  my Amelia, you will be mine once more!'_

*********

Now, if one is in deep thought and walking at the same time.  That person tends to wonder off unknowingly.  Which was the reason how our tortured chimera was separated from Lina and Gourry, who were looking for him.

"How in the world did we lose that stupid chimera, anyways?  When I find him, I will make him pay dearly!" said Lina.  They had been looking for their friend for some time.  She was getting really irritated about the whole situation. If anyone who knows Lina Inverse, knows that the sorceress gets a bit cranky if she is hungry and tired.  Also to note, it was extremely hot outside.  This worsened her condition.  She was a firecracker ready to ignite.  

"Hey Lina, what are we doing again??"  said Gourry looking idiotically innocent. (Poor Gourry.)

Firecracker ignited.  Ready to setoff in 5…4…3…2…1…

"FIREBALL!!!"

After the wonderful display of pyrotechnics, Lina gathered the living remains of her blond guardian, and quickly 'ray winged' to the nearest town.

"We'll look for him after we get something to eat—and  when we are properly rested. (_That's if we get any rest. Heh, heh!) _ Zel's a big boy, he can take care of himself."  Lina said to a burnt and unconscious Gourry. 

When they reached the town, they noticed the towns people (mostly women) lining the streets.  

"He's coming! How do I look?" said one woman fixing her hair.  

"Not as good as I do!" said her friend adjusting her falsies to the correct height. 

"Umm, what's going on here?" Lina asked the lady fixing her hair. _Where did she get those falsies, they look so real!_

The lady turned to Lina and said, "You better not get in my way.  The prince is all mine!"

"Hey, he's mine!" her friend said automatically.  A group of women surrounding them also argued and made claims on this so-called prince.  Then a fight broke out.

"This is getting dangerous.  Gourry, lets get out of here! Gourry?"  

Lina then saw a woman with tacky makeup and an ugly dress dragging the poor man away.

"Hey, Lady, I'm spoken for.  Lina, help me?"

"Flare Arrow!" Lina screamed hitting the woman and surprisingly missing Gourry.  She then grabbed hold of the swordsman by the hair and dragged him away from the burnt mess.

"Thanks Lina!" 

"How dare she try to steal what's mine.  Grrrr!" Lina was about to cast another spell on the woman, but Gourry put a stop to that.

"Oh forget about her, she's knows now not to mess with you!  Let's get us some food!!" The swordsman always has a way to calm her down.

"Food!"  Lina then grabbed hold of his golden hair and dragged him to the nearest restaurant.  

'_Why the hair…why always the hair?'  _Gourry thought to himself.

****

After their large meal, Lina and Gourry were relaxing with their bellies full.

"Lina, wasn't that meal great!" Gourry said while picking his teeth with a small sharp chicken bone.

"Yup, isn't food wonderful?  You know, Gourry, we have some time, to spend. Why won't we get a room and get some 'rest'? I bet Zel, will find his way here by himself." Lina said slyly with that carnal desire thing in her eyes.

"Yeah, it would be nice to get a few winks.  I'll get the rooms for us!"  Gourry said.

Then he realized something.  "Did you say 'room'?"

"Yes.  Wow, Gourry, that's uncharacteristically perceptive of you!"

Then he notices the look in her eyes and immediately carries her off to the nearest inn. 

"We would like a room please and we would like one NOW!"  Gourry demanded forcefully.

"I'm sorry, sir.  There are no rooms available due to the annual prince convention." Said the receptionist.

"Oh, **you** will find a room for us, mister! Or else!" replied an evil looking Gourry.

"Or, else what, sir?" in that snooty John Cleese, 'Faulty Towers' British accent.

The blond gently puts Lina down.  "Fireball!!!" as a huge ball of flame appears from the swordsman's hands and hits the jerk of a receptionist.

"_Cough_! Bellboy, take these fine people to their room, immediately!"  said the crispy receptionist.

"Wow, Gourry, you're so demanding all of the sudden!  Where did you learn how to fireball like that?  Me likey!"  Lina said in a seductive voice.

Gourry picks up the sorceress again and replies,  "Well, Lina, you always fireball me…and well…"  

Lina does not know how to react to this comment.  Then Gourry immediately says, " fireballs remind me of my fiery passion for you!"

Nice save, blond man.

"I want you now!" growled Lina.

Gourry grabs the keys from the bellboy and runs to their room—with Lina in his arms.  Unfortunately, the blond and the girl run into a wall…a very hairy wall.  They both look up and see a familiar face.

They say in unison with that unbelievable look on their faces, "Prince Phil!"

"_'Scream'_ It's him, Prince Phil, the sexiest man on earth!!" said a woman nearby.

Then the screaming barrage of women our two travelers met earlier, heard the woman's cries and chased after the hairy prince.  

"Ahh, Lina, Gourry, help me!" as the prince hides behind them.

"So," said the sorceress supreme, how much are you going to pay us?" 

==

Next time:

Will Lina and Gourry ever make it to their room?

What?  Prince Phil and Sylphiel.

The authoress finally has a storyline. 

You better watch out Xellos and Lady Authoress, Zelgadis is out for blood. (Does mazuku have blood??)

We still don't know how this all connects with saving the world?

Stay tuned!!!

===

Notes:

Yeah, another chapter finished!  It has a bit of a serious/fluffy flare to it because of our lovable chimera.   Also, I liked a bit of angsty Zel.  He's a bit insane right now, and he'll get worse later on. Yeah!!!  I also assumed that Amelia would like pop music.  It's like totally her. I was getting lazy making up other names for the Slayers characters, but I'll try to make more up later on. If you have any ideas, feel free to share!  Thanks for the reviews: Imaginary Oreo® Double stuff cookies for you guys!


	3. The Steak and Shake Chapter Part 1Yes, w...

I don't own Slayers, or any anime/manga things I mention in the future. 

-----

"One million gold pieces!" said Lina, "Ok, how about a half million!"

"That's highway robbery!" said Prince Phil, "I don't even pay my body guards that much!"

"Well, I'm not your average body guard." Then the sorceress paused for a moment.  "Since you are a good friend…five hundred thousand!"

The large man let out a thunder of a laugh, "OHOHOHOH!!  Look, I wasn't born yesterday, Lina Inverse!  I didn't maintain my stature as heir apparent for this long because of my looks.  It takes brains to rule a country as well as fight for peace, love, and justice! OHOHOHOHOHOH!"

_'Looks?'_ Lina said mentally. "Heh, heh! You can't blame a girl for trying!" She said out loud.   _'Hmm, where have I heard that laugh before?'_

"Why won't we start with one thousand gold pieces?"  

"Ten thousand!"

"Two thousand!"

"Eight thousand!"

"Three thousand! 

"Seven thousand!"

"Five!"

"Six!

"Sold!" said the happy prince, "You want to shake on that, to make it a deal?"

"Yup!" The red head and the prince shook hands.

"Wow, Lina, you sure drive a hard bargain!"

The large hairy man then saw the group of women come at him.  

"There he is!  Oh Prince Phil,  I love you!"  said one of the women waving her undies at him.

"Hey, your highness," screamed Lina, "this way!"

Both Gourry and the prince quickly followed the redhead into a room and immediately shut the door.  

"I think we lost them, for now!"  proclaimed the swordsman.

"So, Prince Phil," asked the sorceress, "why were those women after you?"

"I am a Prince, you know!"  said the large hairy man proudly. Then, he smiled with that twinkling teeth thing that cliché heroes do all the time.   

"Err, right!"  Then the sorceress had a mental image of a cliché prince and that image suddenly crumbled before her.  _'I still can't believe that this overgrown dwarf is really a prince.  Life can be so unfair sometimes.'_

"So, there's a prince convention going on in this town, right?" said Gourry. Lately, the swordsman was particularly and peculiarly perceptive.  Lina noticed it, too!

"Yeah, that's right?  So, what is this 'prince convention'?" 

"Well, every year, princes from many countries come together to this town. We discuss princely matters.  For example, ideas on how to run a kingdom,  military techniques, tax policies, or damsel saving strategies.  It's also a good way to build public relations with other countries."  The tall ogre of a man looks out the window to see a crowd of screaming women.   He sighs.  "Since most of the princes who come here are single, many women also flock here with hopes of snagging one."

"Really?" the red head said with a hopeful expression in her face.

"Grrr, LINA!!!" said a jealous Gourry.

"Hey, can't blame a girl for trying!!!"  

"By the way, where is my little Amelia?"  

"Umm, Amelia…well you see…err…Amelia…" said a panicked Lina.  _'How can I tell Phil that his little girl has run off with a monster, yet alone Zellas's general/priest.'_

Then Gourry immediately jumps in.  "Well, your highness, Amelia is with Xellos, probably in a roo-mmrph…"  The sorceress grabs hold of the swordsman and shoves something in his mouth.  Luckily, each of the rooms comes with a complementary bowl of fruit.  

"Oh, Gourry, you look hungry, eat this banana!" Lina has her guardian (who has a bunch of bananas—peel and all—in his mouth) in a headlock.  _'That jellyfish brain, out of all the times he has to remember something important, he does so now!'_

"What," said the prince who looks a bit concerned, "she's with Xellos?" 

"Well, you see, she's with Xellos because…because she is trying to convert him to the side of justice. Yeah, to the side of justice!"

Prince Phil looks very proud.  "Oh, I am so proud of her!  If there is anyone who can convert a monster to the side of righteousness, it's my little girl!"  He wipes a tear from his eye.

_'That was a close call!'_ Lina notices Gourry had finished—more like swallowed—all the bananas.  

"Hey, Lina, thanks for the bananas!"

"Idiot!"

"So, why are you two here?" Prince Phil said with a sly grin.  

"Lina and I were getting a rmmmph?" This time, Lina belts him one in the stomach. 

Meanwhile… 

"Miss. Authoress, I can't believe you haven't done a thing except play online video games for the past two hours!!" said a very pissed off princess.

"Heh, heh!  Well, I'm having a hard time trying to make up a story line!  You know, I'm not usually the type that would write fan fiction.  I'm really a biochemist in training who is also trying to get into med. school."

"What? You a doctor? HAHAHAHAHAH!!!" laughed Xellos and Amelia. 

"Hey," said a very pissed off authoress _'Jerks! Why does everyone laugh when I mention that I'm going to be a doctor'_, "it's not easy trying to get into medical school.  I'm really stressed, with studying for the MCAT, maintaining good grades, and working at the same time."

The princess and priest stops laughing.  Then Miss. Justice asks, "So, if you are supposed to be doing that, then why are you writing this fanfic?" 

Miss Authoress looking very serious, "I needed something to relieve the stress!  Also, it's a good way to get my creative juices flowing.  I have to deal with science related things twenty four hours a day and that can be boring.  I'm not saying that I don't enjoy it. It's just that I need a break sometimes." 

"Oh, well, I suppose…"  The princess understood what the authoress was going through.  She had to deal with her duties as a princess all the time and it does get really stressful.  That was the reason she was traveling with Lina, to take a break from her royal duties.

 Xellos interrupts, "So, you are basically suffering a strong case of procrastination and you don't feel like studying. Also, your Playstation® is broken because of constant usage!"  

"BINGO!" the writer said automatically. Amelia face faults.

"So, when are you going to write this story?" Amelia asks with her eye twitching.

"I don't know.  I need to get my muse working.  Hmmm, I know a place where I can get some divine inspiration!"

"Where?"  both Xellos and Amelia said together.

"Oh it's a wonderful mystical place.  I go there whenever I need to relax or to figure a really tough physical chemistry problem, and it's open twenty four hours a day!"

"Where?" they asked with anticipation.

"Stake 'n Shake!!"  

The two Slayer characters face fault again for the umpteenth time!

"Well…I need, sustenance in order to work my magic!" said a smiling authoress.

Meanwhile… 

"Do I have to wear this ridiculous disguise?" said an unhappy prince.

"Look, those women are looking for a prince not a queen—as in **drag queen**!! Get it! 'Prince' 'Drag queen'  Bwahahaha!" guffawed the redhead. "I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself!"

Prince Phil looked at the mirror and sighed.  He looked…well…picture Naga—breasts and all—with  Amelia's hair cut.  Now picture her, hyped up on steroids.  _'Well, at least I could walk in public without getting harassed._'  The giant of a man was not wearing a battle bikini (Thank Cepheid!), but was wearing a simple blue dress.   The dress had long sleeves—to hide his hairy arms, a turtleneck (no plunging necklines here)—to hide his hairy chest, and a skirt reaching just above the ankles—no way was he going to shave his legs. He felt sort of naked since he had to shave off his mustache.   The mustache was trademark of Sairuun male society.  He was sad to see it not there.

"You look ten times younger without that mustache!" said Lina. __

"You think?"  Phil looks at the mirror again.  _'Hey, she's right!'_

"LINA!" A teary eyed Gourry comes out wearing his usual pink dress and Sailor Moon hairdo. "Why do I have wear this thing again? You enjoy humiliating me, don't you?" He falls to the ground drawing imaginary circles on the floor with his finger. 

"Stop crying, you big baby?  I don't want another tacky lady TRY to steal you off.  Stand still, I have to put your makeup on." Lina said while trying to apply lipstick on the swordsman.

"Here, Gourry, TRY on this color eye shadow.  It will complement your eyes! Also, you don't need blush, since your cheeks are naturally rosy. Plus these ribbons for your hair will go lovely with that dress." said the 'drag queen…err prince.'

The sorceress and swordsman both looked at the prince, with shocked expressions.

"Err, well…you see…Amelia, when she was a little girl, liked to play dress up.  Since her mother and sister were not there to play girly games with her, I had to take their place. It was the just thing to do." Said a blushing prince.  

Meanwhile… 

In a forest—few miles away from the town Lina and Gourry were in—is a love sick chimera, hell bent on revenge.  

"Grrrr!  Where are they?" said ticked off Zelgadis.  "I just turned my back on them for a few seconds, and they leave me here all alone.  Some friends...oh, who needs them, anyway!"  

Actually, the chimera was too proud to admit that he was lost and that this was his own doing.  For the past few hours, all he could think about was getting revenge and getting his princess back. He didn't realize that he strayed away from his two friends.   "I'll get you Authoress, I'll make you pay for messing with my Amelia.  I bet Xellos and the authoress are in on it together and are just manipulating my poor sweet Amelia." He also failed to realize that he was thinking out loud for the past few hours.  Suddenly he heard a rustle in the bushes.

"Oh, shut up, already!" said a small voice coming from the bushes.

"Who said that?" 

"'Revenge this,' 'oh my poor aching heart,' 'oh, I'm a chimera and everybody in world hates me,' waah my Amelia doesn't love me'…yadda yadda yadda! Please, get a life!" 

"Grrrr! Come out and show yourself!"

"Only if it will get you to SHUTUP!"

Out of the bushes pops a cute little fairy boy.  Well, more like a very upset, but cute little fairy boy.

"Ok, 'blue boy', now you see me!  Will you finally shut your yap and get out of my forest?"

"Look, you little pip squeak, you shouldn't pick fights with people bigger than you!"

"Oh, I'm so scared!" the fairy said sarcastically. "What a dork!"

"Flair Arrow" 

"Ha ha! You missed me!" The little guy gives Zel a 'raspberry!'  

"Fireball" This time he hits something, but it wasn't the little fairy.

"Oh, look, he missed again!  I bet you have rocks for brains, too!"

"Why you little…Val flair!" Again he misses.

"Nya nya nya nya nya!  No wonder why that girl dumped you!  What a wimp!" The fairy flips Zel the bird.

"Die you little son of a bitch!" 

---------

Authoress's notes:

Sorry, I didn't plan on this chapter being so long.  There is a second part to this chapter. I had to brake it down because of the length. The second part has a few kinks I have to work on! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and hopefully the next!


	4. The Steak and Shake Chapter Part 2 Where...

I don't own Slayers, or any anime/manga or television shows I mention in the future.  I also don't own any rights to the mentioned restaurants or products in this story. 

---

"I'll have a steak (medium rare) and a strawberry shake, please!" said Xellos.

"Yes, and I would like the same, but well done for my steak."

"For the last time, WE DO NOT SERVE STEAKS, HERE!" said a very irate waitress. "Look, we serve steak burgers…STEAK BURGERS!"

"You guys, could you please stop tormenting the waitress and embarrassing me.  I would like to come back here, again!" said Authoress cowering behind the menu.

"But Miss.  Authoress, this is false advertising and my justice loving heart cannot tolerate this.  For the sake of steak lovers everywhere, I, Amelia Wil Tesla de Sairuun, demand to see the manager.  You with me, Xellos!"

"Although—this is out of character for me to do this—as a fellow steak lover I cannot allow this injustice to go on.  Yes, I'm with you, princess. Hey, Authoress, are you with us?"  

Then they both look at Authoress, who was now in another both, ordering her usual bacon steak burger combo and vanilla milkshake.  

"I think they are talking to you, miss?" said a different waitress that was taking the authoress's order.

The authoress totally ignoring the two.  "Huh, I have no idea who those two crazy people are! Can I have cheese with my fries?" 

"Traitor!" screamed the princess.

The waitress that was attending to the two Slayers screamed towards the kitchen, "Hey, Butch, these customers want to see you!" . '_Heh, he'll teach 'em a thing or two!'_

A gruff and manly voice hollers out from the kitchen, "What da hell do dey want? Dey better not be mess'n wit you, Deb!"

"Eeep, he sounds really scary! Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all!"   

"But what happened to bringing justice for all the steak lovers everywhere?" questioned the priest.

"Yes, errr…right!  For the sake of justice!" the black haired girl said unconvincingly.  '_Stupid code of justice!'_

Suddenly, out of the kitchen, comes out an awfully skinny, yet, angry guy.  He sort of looks like Jeffery from 'Jeffery's Knighthood'.  "Yeah, Deb, what do dey wants?"

"You're the manager!" said a shocked princess.

"Yeah, you want to make something of it!" 

Suddenly, the princess regained her courage and jumped on top of the table doing her well known justice pose. She grabs an embarrassed Xellos up there, too! "Well, we think that this establishment is fooling its costumers into believing that they serve steak here.  As fellow steak lovers and servants of justice…"  

Xellos turns a bit green while holding his stomach.  "I think this was a big mistake!"

"…I cannot let this lie go on further.  I demand you change your name to 'Steak Burger n Shake'! If you don't then, do the righteous thing and serve us our steaks!"  

"And if I don't, you little bitch?" said Butch.

"_Darkness beyond twilight, crimson from blood that flows… _"  

Xellos screams, "Don't to it,  Amelia! It's not worth it!  We can go to Ponderosa®." '_She's been hanging around Lina, too much.  Well, I better get the hell out of here.'_

The managers, as well as the other waitresses, just stand there, clueless to what was going to happen.  _'Guess they didn't watch the series.  Too bad!'_

Suddenly, Authoress, realizes what was going to happen and quickly replies, "Hey, miss, can I have a doggie bag, and hurry it up?"  She quickly snatches the bag from the waitress's hands, puts her food in, grabs her shake, and hightails it out of the restaurant.  '_Must save the food!'_

"DRAGON SLAVE!!!"

Moments later, we find our three adventurers sitting beside a huge pit of smoldering ash that was once a Steak n Shake®.  

"Can I have some fries?"  asked the hungry priest.

"Yeah, can I have some fries, too?"  said a teary eyed princess, who was also hungry.  

"No!" said the authoress as she takes a bite of her bacon steak burger totally enjoying its savory taste._  'Serves them right for trying to change a good thing!' _ "Mmm, beefy!" She says this in her Homer Simpson® voice. 

Meanwhile… 

Lina, Gourry, and Prince Phil were walking down the street heading for the mayor's house where the prince council meeting is held. The house looked more like a castle with a large gate surrounding it.  They noticed a large crowd of women in front of the gates.  Suddenly, a man—who was no doubt a prince—arrived in a carriage, in front the gates.  No sooner did he step out of the carriage, a mob of prince hungry ladies took hold of the guy.  He didn't even have a chance to scream for help and disappeared in the sea full of females.  

"OH MY GOD!!!" Phil could not believe his eyes.  Neither did Lina or Gourry.

"He…he…he just vanished!" Gourry said not believing what he just saw.

"Well, at least you two won't meet the same fate he did, " said the redhead, "also, you guys will blend in nicely among the crowd."

For the first time, Gourry was happy he looked like a girl. The price felt the same.

"So, Lina, how are we going to get inside?" 

"Well, Gourry, I have a plan!  Just follow my lead!"

Then the sorceress walkup to the crowd. "Hey look, it's the prince of Zephillia and the prince of Elmekia!"

"Where?" Cried a bunch of women.

"Over there!" Lina pointed out two men, who were probably not the princes, at a far off distance.  If you ever saw deer in front of headlights, then you could probably understand how these two men looked like.  The crowd of women stampedes towards the men, leaving the gates empty.

"Although, it was a bit unjust…that was pure genius, Miss. Inverse!" said the prince.

"Poor guys," Gourry said, "well, we should get going before those crazy women come back."

As they approached the gates, a couple of guards appear.

"Halt!" screamed one guard. "Only those who have an invitation can pass through these gates!"

Then the large hair female, who was the prince in drag, walks towards the guards.  "Stand aside, for I am the Crowned Prince Philionel el de Saillune."

He shows them the invitation as well as the royal seal.  The head guards back off letting the prince through the gates.  As Lina and Gourry follow the prince, the guards stop them.  "And where do you two think your going?" 

"They are my body guards and they come with me."  

The guards not willing to defy Phil (who would!), allowed them passage.

All of a sudden, the women returned to the gates.

"I guess they figured out that those men weren't princes." Said the redhead.

Gourry looked back towards the gates.  He saw a bunch of guards trying fend themselves from the angry mob of women.  "Yeah, we made it inside the gates just in time!" 

The swordsman and sorceress followed the prince, who stopped in front of the doors of the mayor's house.  The large man looked rather hesitant to open the doors.  "This is rather embarrassing!  How am I going to confront my friends looking like this."  

"Well it's not like we had a choice,"  said Lina,  "you don't want to end up like that guy we saw earlier?  Don't worry, Gourry here is also dressed up.  You won't be the only one!"  Gourry does not look too thrilled.

Phil looked back at the crowd of women. One of the guards was yelling, "Help me!"  His clothes were in rags. _Poor guy!_  "I guess your right.  I dressed like this for the sake of justice." _'And my life!'_

As the prince pushes through the doors, he immediately sees a bunch of women. He begins to panic, then…

"Philionel, glad you can make it" said one of the ladies in a baritone voice.

"Henry!?"  The prince faints.

Meanwhile… 

The authoress, the princess, and the priest are sitting in a twenty-four hour donut shop called, Krispy creams® (sp).  The authoress felt sorry that her two guest were hungry (well they kept on complaining and it bugged the hell out of her that she finally decided to feed them).  

"Mmm, these donuts are good!" said Amelia.

"I must agree with you, Princess, these donuts are delicious!"  the squinty eyed one replied.

"Correction,  they are not called donuts here, they are called Krispy Creams®!" as the writer stuffs two in her mouth.

"But these are donuts, right!" 

Lady authoress quickly swallows, "Look Amelia, it's a commercial gimmick and if two so dare do anything bad to this fine establishment, I'll quickly write up some a hentai fic with two as my leading characters.   Capeesh?!"

"Yes, mame!" they said in unison.

Deciding to change the subject, Xellos asks about the story line.  "So, Lady Authoress, have you finally figured out a storyline?"

The writer looks at her laptop and replies, "Why yes, I actually have a storyline! However, I also found out I have a story written up as well!"  

"Oh, that's wonderful!" The princess dances with joy at the sound of this and immediately stops.  "Hey.  Wait a minute, how can you have a story written up? This is the first time I've seen you open up your laptop since that Steak n Shake® incident."

"Yes, that doesn't make any sense.  How could you have written up a story in such a short period of time.?" Asked Xellos.

"Well, if you don't believe me then take a look at the screen, yourself."

They both look at the screen and surly enough, there was a typed page in front of them.  Yet, that was not the thing that shocked them.  It was due to the fact that they were reading exactly what they were doing. The words just appeared out of nowhere.  Kind of like the book in _Fushigi Yugi_, but on the computer. Apparently, this was freaking them out.

"Wow, this is so weird…hey look at that…it's actually writing down what I say!" said Amelia.

The priest stares at the screen, silently thinking.  '_I wonder who is doing this.' _He immediately realizes that it was also writing down his thoughts as well.  "That's not fair!"

"Well, I guess you can't say 'That's a secret!" anymore!"  replied the authoress. _'I guess we better watch what we are thinking, since nothings sacred.'_

_'Yeah!' _ both Amelia and Xellos thought in unison as they read the laptop screen.

"Ok, that was weird!  So I guess we should find out who's doing this. I don't like the idea of being an actual character in my own story.  I just wanted to stay an enigma." 

"This is totally unjust, whoever is doing this to us will be smashed with the hammer of justice!"  said the justice freak. "Hey, I'm not a justice freak!" _'Oh this guy will pay dearly for calling me that! I'm gonna dragon slave his sorry ass!' _"Oh, shit, I forgot about that!"

"Wow, swearing aren't we?  You really have vengeful spirit inside, Amelia?" asked Xellos as he read.  _'It's kind a turning me on!'_

"**EWWWWW**!" said the princess, who,  "**DIE-PERVERT-PUNCH**!"   The hentai monster soars through the air and hits the ceiling of the restaurant. Then, he falls into the floor.  

"That's a new maneuver, Princess?  Hey, what did I say about destroying this place??!!" 

"Sorry, I couldn't help it!"

"Well, I guess he deserved it!"  The writer looks at the messy lump on the floor that was Xellos.  

"Oweee, Amelia, that was cruel!" Xellos rubs his sore head as well as his sore behind. _'I have to watch what I'm thinking!'_  "So what do we do now?"

"You've got mail!" the laptop said.

The authoress opens her email program and reads the letter. It says:

_    'Come to the Slayer world to answer all your questions!'_

"It doesn't say who it's from!" said the authoress, "Well, I guess we should get going…but first lets get a couple of boxes of Krispy creams® to go!  This is going to be a long trip!"

Meanwhile… 

"I think he's coming to!"

"Huh, what's going on?" The prince immediately saw a woman, who looks exactly like the prince of Zephillia.  "Henry?"

"Hey old friend, it's good to see you again!" Henry replied.

The prince of Zephillia helps Phil up.   He notices some of the women in the room look familiar.

"You scared us!  We thought you had a heart attack!" replied another man in drag.

"Ralph, is that you?"  The prince couldn't believe his eyes, all of his fellow comrades were all in woman's clothing.

"I guess you figured out a way to beat the crowds" said Prince Henry.

"Umm, yeah,  it was my bodyguard's idea.  By the way, where are the two people I came with?" The large man turns around and immediately sees the two by the buffet table. _'I should of known!'_

__

At the buffet table…

"Hey Lina, I don't feel so bad wearing this dress, since all the other princes are dressed as girls, too!"

"Yeah, I've never seen so many 'drag queens' in one room. Bwahahaha! Boy, does that crack me up!"

"Umm, yeah, funny!"  Gourry says in a sardonic tone.

A woman…err…let's assume he's a prince…gently taps the blond on the shoulder to get his attention.  "Excuse me, I want to commend you on your appearance.  If I didn't know better, I would of thought you were a lovely woman.  Some of the other guys didn't believe you were a guy and made a bet.  I guess I lost."

Gourry was totally mortified.  Tears were running down his cheeks.  "I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A GIRL!!!!" screamed Gourry.

"Oh, stop crying you'll! ruin your makeup! I did do a great job dressing you up, especially with Prince Phil's beauty secrets!" Lina said proudly. "Even the great Volunn (sp) refused to believe that you were a man!"

"LINA, you promised never to mention his name again!" Gourry was a bright shade of red by now.  _'Plus, he didn't care if I was a woman or not.  I'm glad that guy is not here!'_

Then the prince turned to Lina.  "Oh, and you need to add extra padding in certain areas, young man, and I think that's a little too much rouge for you.  You need to look more feminine.  I don't want to see those women snatching you up, now! HAHAHA!"  

"Hey Lina, you aren't wearing any makeup…umm Lina!" The blond suddenly sees a fire ball heading in his direction.  Which was also in the same direction of the man that was talking to them.  Luckily the swordsman jumps out of the way.  (He had a lot of practice.) Unfortunately, for that prince…well, he wasn't so lucky.  _He's lucky Lina didn't Dragon Slave his ass!_

"Come on, Jellyfish brains, there's more food on the other side!" the sorceress says angrily, grabbing one of Gourry's pigtails.

"Oweee!  Oh come on, Lina, your messing with my hair do!" says the blond while being dragged by famous dragon slayer. _'Again with the hair! I think it's about time I get a hair cut!'_

---

Next time:

Prince Phil and Sylphiel. 

Grand Master G (a.k.a. Gourry): "I think I got a booty call." 

Amelia: "Bad Zel...very bad!"

Lina: "By the way, where is ol' stone boy?"

Zel in a Beavis and Butthead tone: "Fire…heh heh…fire fire!"

Authoress: "Who are you? Why are you doing this?  Give me back my story!"

Stay tuned…

---

 Notes:

Sorry it took me this long  to update.  Yeah, I promised Prince Phil and Sylphiel this chapter, but decided to put it in the Next chapter! From the looks of it, chapter four is a bit risk-ay!  It's a bit to limey and I might tone it down a bit so I can put it up.  Well, I hope you enjoy this chapter.  Review please!


End file.
